Sunday, November 20, 2005
i was digging through my desk for a pen ... because for once i was kinda attempting my homeowrk ... everysingle one of my pens had been pulled apart ... and most people would be like why is this michelle ... and it makes me kinda wish that i had somthing ..... and somone to share it with ... maybe a nice relationship with some perks ... a perky relationship ... and i swear to go if somone offered me a bottle i would go to the bank take out however much they were offering me becuase i just wanna calm down ...
i cant go three seconds ... my heart starts racing and my hands start shaking ... i cant think or breath im just choking on unknown angry for absolutely no reason ... i shouldnt be mad at all ... i just freak out ... and people ask why ... i dunno is there something im missing ... i dont know but my stomach is still in knots ... its weird as soon as i come home its like death i turn into total bitch if i hadnt all ready ... and in this case i had
i flipped out on john for wanting a cigarette so bad ... everyone was gaining up on me and i got sooo pissed off ... they had all been smoking pot and aija already started jus tbeing dumb its not even her fault its me why do i get soo pissed off at people ... its really not them its me... i have a ten second temper ... flying off the handle before i even get to grab it ... i have no control over it ... i just start yelling before i get a chance to understand it ..
i really should be doing homeowrk but mystomach is upset from just being upset ... i just wanan cry but like i sad before it makes me feel soo vunerable ... and just weak ... i am weak ...
my dad just knocked on my door ... im shaking again ... HOW DARE HE INTTERUPT ME TO BRING ME LAUNDRY ... i mean doesnt that seem ridiculous because i know it does but i waslike wow i dont know ... i might try to talk myself out of getting help because its all just in my head ? is it in my head am i just imagining things ... i dunno im coming out of some weird dream ... i dont know i just wanna cuddle up and forget about everything just fucking run away to someplace where i can forget about time and forget about everything ... somplace perfect ... or anything close to it will do fine ... i just wanna be happy ... i dont even care ... i wanan love and live like i did before ... maybe there never was a before and i was always like this ... i really dont know ... i just need a hug ... i cant stop thinking tho
my hands keep typing keep moving i keep thinking like breathing the only time i stop is if i stop breathing ... thats the only way to stop these thought ... stop breathing ... ending it all might be the best solution to this ridiculous thing ...
Thought of you at... |6:58:00 PM|
Friday, November 18, 2005
sometimes i think that maybe im the one whose rong all the time ... like why do i get soo upset at people by the way they act everyone pisses me off pretty much equally ... maybe ... im the one whose pissing people off i know i piss john off and its only gonna be a matter of time before he relizes how much of a stupid bitch i am ... but like i do the things i do because i care ... i guess but i mena i hate it i hate being nervous all the time and making him upset cuz i hate when hes upset ... i love him soo much and i am just scared that one day hes gonna wake up from the coma that lust has put him in ... and somones gonna knock on the door and say yea dude ive been telling you about her bullshit all the time you just were too blind to see it ...
maybe he is blind maybe he doesnt love me he just thinks he does ... cuz how could somone so incredible love me sooo much ... even when i give him shit all the time for so many things ... im a failure ... im such a bad girlfriend ... maybe i just need expensive drugs to make me even more numb numb enough to make me not know im numb just swallow down a bottle of pills to make the feeling go away ... to make all of lifes emotions go away ... to give up all things that seperate humans from everything else ... maybe thats what i need i need to through awway my inhibitions in the form of a bottle because everytimme i do ... i freak out twice as bad ... aija said maybe i have an anxiety disorder ... and i probably do ... i dont doubt it and i totally think thats what it is ... i walk fast i cant wait ... i talk fast i have no patience i dont have time to cry ... as soon as i feel frustrated i wanan cry but instead i get angry at myself for being soo weak ... why would you cry its soo unnessecary ... there is no reason for such a show of vunerability ...
i feel like i have been posssed ... seriously and totally ... not myself at all ... i dont see things clearly i feel like im not even in my body half the time ... i feel dopey when i dont do anything ... over stressed over worked and over tired thats what they will say ... tell me to take oa break from the normal hum drum bullshit of life ... but i cant i cant stop i cant breath i feel like im choking on all the deadlines of my life ... i cant concentrate and i have no pateince ... i yell at john like he was a child somone just slap me ... i need to wake up from this nightmare ... i need help ... i cant control this anymore ... i just dont know whats going on ... im just gonna get up and walk out of class ... and go and just keep walking until i hit traffic and get struck by a car ...
how could anyone call this sane ... i dunno what is rong am i doing this to myself or wat ... i cant think i cant sleep or maybe its because i think too much that i cant think my brain is soo full of thoughts that it is clouded ... clouded soo much i feel like im in a fog ... walking around blinded and bumping walls ... i dont know ... maybe its too late
its dark again but its day time exactly 10:09 in the morning and it looks like dusk out to me ... what is wrong with me ... i seroulsy dont know ... im scared ... im frightened i cant think i put on a facade ... that everything is ok .... until i get into the car with aija and tell her everything ... it does nothing but make me rethink my sanity ... she tells me i need help and i keep driving ... driviing home away from the shit ... i get home and drive away i keep running from these things i fear ..; im scared that they will tell me im delusional that there is nothing wrong ... maybe im just making it all up ...
once again i feel likel maybe that car accident i got in with josh put me in a coma ... ever since then ihavent been the same ... maybe i am ... and this haziness is me tryinig to wake myself up this whole thing has been a crazy dream ... what if that happened and i just dreamed that i got ouf of the car with a sore back ... and continued my life ... i freak out every time i get in a car ... i really dont know but how possible could that be that my whole life i s a drream ... i sthis normal for people to belive that their life is nothing but i figment of their own imagination and as soon as they relize this thhey wake up and they die and this life ... havent people written storioes about that ... some thriller with an incredible twist that somone with such a warped mind could think up ...
Thought of you at... |9:59:00 AM|
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
im exhausted starving ... not showered looking like shit ... but its amazing how in love i am ... its like a shining light through these cold cloudy days of november ... its sickeningly depressing but some howi make it through with a small note and the sound of his voice ... it perks me up like an expresso leaving me with that warm ooey gooey feeling like my heart is about to bound out of my chest and hug every person i come in contact with .... i swear it really is like the sun breaking through a cloudy day .. i can feel the warmth... lke how it feels on a cold day when you walk into sunshine its magnificent ... as much as i say this its like ive never felt this way befeore ... its like everytime its new and its like a bright new thing ... sunny and warm.... the way a warm spring day feels after such a long cold winter... hes the only thing saving me from my self
Thought of you at... |10:40:00 AM|
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
[[my life? it depends....]]
i feel soo depentdent on other things ... i say i need these things to get my objectives accomplished.... maybe its just another tool in my procrastination i havent done anything ... im soo sad whenever i think about it ... i havent really gone to school this week ... i really dont want to go anymkore at all i just wanna sleep forever .... i feel like maybe i really could.
Thought of you at... |10:15:00 PM|
Friday, November 11, 2005
[[im soo scared]]
im soo exhaustedly scared ... scared of living and scared of dieing... and when it comes down to it living is really a life or death battle... your small descions dictate what will happen to you in the future... more and more i dont know what is going on... i feel like im living a nightmare ... not like im suffering its just like a bad dream ... ya know that bad kind that you try to fall asleep after but you keep reliving it over and over and you try to make it better but you just cant ... theres no way ... you keep trying to escape your fears and even face them but they become more terrifying ... i have no idea what i want to do ...
i feel soo alone ... all the time ... even if there are people around me all the time ... i feel soo empty that no one really cares ... im just that background music in the soundtrack of their life... ill be remebered but not for who i was but just those stupid things i was there for ... i dont know what is going on i dont know whats rong with me my brain i cant think straight ... i feel like watever ... i dont care about consequences anymore ... like watever whats the worst that will happen probably wont and what if i die ... so what who cares ... fine ... i dont care i dont care about anything i dont care if my parents get pissed i dont care if i get hurt ... im soo past depression i cant even feel anymore ... i cant feel simple things i cant feel emotions i just fake everything ... my laughs are fake my smiles are fake and anyone that would really know me would notice this but they dont ... i think i need to go someplace ... or something ... i just wanan go away .. get swallowed up in the darkness of this sick dream i keep living .... i dont even care ...
its like when i feel like this everything around me gets hazy and i become numb ... like visually i cant see as well i cant feel as well ... i dont tickle ... i have no soul .... maybe thats whats wrong ...
Thought of you at... |2:24:00 PM|
Monday, October 31, 2005
[[wow im a shitty person]]
i have like two friends ... no one likes me ... why cant anyone just sit and talk to me ... im so fucking annoying and whiny and dumb and fucking bitchy ... why doesnt somone just fucking shoot me in the head .... god damn it ... im soo sick of everything ... i hate myself i hate my fucking life ... i hate having everyone be upset ... i fucking hate everything
Thought of you at... |10:31:00 PM|
Sunday, October 30, 2005
... things i have realized...
im am an anxious fucking mess ... im scared of everything ... i dont like being in big groups of people ... i cant handle being late ... i feel like a failure at everything i do .... i cant even call in delivery ... i think i have social anxiety ... maybe but i dunno cuz i odnt seem that way ... but like ... i really can just go and do anthing ... im so scared about school im soo stressed out ... i dont even know why tho ... why cant i just sit down and study .... why cant i just fucking clean my room ... save my money ... or fucking be a good person ... i have all this time do to all my work but i have no ambition ... i dont know what the fuck is rong with me ... and i cant talk to my mom cuz ill get yelled at for being lazy ... but its like everytime i start doing homeowrk i get a little panicky because its soo hard and it frustrates me and i just close my book and dance off to my next unfinished task ... why do i continue being like this its 1130 and i still havent showered... i wanna go running but every time i lace up my shoes i hesitate and take them back off again ... maybe sitting and doing nothing is more fuckin fun than doing anything ... or as far as im concerned it is ... i get soo nervous in situations with people i dont know with large crowds ... i dont even have any intrest in going to any shows ... i feel soo lame ... i feel like no one understand anything ... and as soon as they try to help they dont care anymore ... wtf
Thought of you at... |11:18:00 AM|