Monday, January 31, 2005

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i told you ... im a loser : (

Thought of you at... |1:42:00 PM|

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i madea a bunch of these

Thought of you at... |1:42:00 PM|

[[yea]]


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im a loser ... im sad ... i dont even no .. i just wanna go away

Thought of you at... |1:41:00 PM|

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Sunday, January 30, 2005

[[o mannnnnn]]

So deep that it didn’t even bleed and catch me,
Off guard
Red handed; now I’m far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn’t even bleed, catch me.
I need something else
would someone please just give me?
Hit me and knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh all I want inside
I still am empty
So deep that it didn’t even bleed, catch me.
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
(All that I’ve got)
I guess I remember every glance you shot me
Unharmed, I’m losing weight and some body heat
I squoze so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn’t even scream Fuck me.
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
(All that I’ve got)
And it’s all that I’ve got
It’s all that I’ve got
It’s all that I’ve got
It’s all that I’ve got
It’s all that I’ve got.
So deep that it didn’t even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn’t even scream Fuck me.
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not
I’m far from lonely
And it’s all that I’ve got.




this song reminds me of josh ... i love him ... hes a cutie face : D and i love him soooo fucking much

10/06/04


im soo happy right now

Thought of you at... |10:09:00 PM|

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Friday, January 28, 2005

[[o my goodnes lol ]]

the things that i have relized that i can get away with at my school are incredible ... no wonder they only keep us there for four years lol ... yea so josh came to my school and ate lunch with me lol ... it was special lol like seriously him and 3 of his friends it was sooo like random lol and a bunch of people relized it but like no one said anything so it was pretty sweet lol ... ilove him ... yea im at my moms office again waiting to go to the dentist ... not exciteing but watever ... im out later

Thought of you at... |2:50:00 PM|

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Sunday, January 23, 2005

[[o my fucking god ... i cant wait to be healthy again]]

i just wananbe able to fucking breathe and chew and taste again ... normally ... thats all i want ..omg ..im soo not going to school tomorrow no matter what ... im in soo much pain ... well not right now im not but i mean like o man .. i was .. i went to josh's hes soc ute i love him ... i just wanna pinch his cheeks ... lol i love josh ... but yea i gotta go cuz i donthave much of an attetion span ... holy shit this medicine kicks in soo fucking fast

Thought of you at... |7:40:00 PM|

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Friday, January 21, 2005

[[.... i love josh ]]

... he named my lamb cadance ... i love that name ... hes sooo sweet ... i love him ... i love laying with him .. i could do it forever ... just to be in his arms alll night long would be heaven ... i love him soo much ... omg ... really ... i wanna be with him forever ... and get a puppy and some day have a lil girl .. aww its sooo cute like seriously ... ive never been with anyone this serious before ... liek ive been with guys longer and never goten this serious about a relationship especially this soon .. but this really is the greatest thing i have ever even been in my entire life i really could be with him forever ... i wish he had stayed ... i just wanted to sit and talk with him forever .. i feel like i could tho ... just be in his arms forever ... he is the the greatest thing that has ever happened to me ... he is so caring and sweet and understanding and i just love every single thing about thim ... i love him ... omg sooo much ... i wanna be with him forever .. like you dont even no like everytime i say it i mean it more ... hes soooooo fucking awesome .... i want him to no that he means the absolute world to me ... he is the greatest guy i could have ever met ... i love him

Thought of you at... |9:55:00 PM|

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Thursday, January 20, 2005

[[all druggerd up lol]]

yea so i guess my surgery went well lol they dont tell me things i was too fucked up to think lol im still pretty messed up from the vikes i have to take lol ... but omg josh came over ... and he cuddled wiht me and he made me feel soo loved and good and awesome and i love him ... oman ... hes sooo cute ... like no one really called cept will to see how i was ... but he was looking for aija too but i dunno id ont care im soo inlove it tickles my swollen hurty cheeks ... i love him wiht every inch of my body seriously ... i wanna be with him for the rest of my life ... like get married and stuff ... im soo seirous its crazy : D but i feel so great when im with him that i just wanna feel like that forever .. but yea ... im outties ... later

Thought of you at... |9:33:00 PM|

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Wednesday, January 19, 2005

[[me and joshy face]]


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Thought of you at... |9:40:00 PM|

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Monday, January 17, 2005

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http://blogskins.com/apply.php?sid=22399&action=Preview

Thought of you at... |9:52:00 PM|

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Sunday, January 16, 2005

[[o man i love this feeling]]

i love the feeling after running ... its soo refreshing and clean ... i feel soo good and tingly ... like good like after sex good ... but without feeling like you need a shower ... well like i dunno its differnt i feel good and clean ... but the bad side is i cant stop coughing and my lungs hurt ... this proves that i need to start running again ... o man i love that feeling ... when i run i feel like i can just go on for ever and like you dont think about anything but you feel soo great like you have accomplished somethign that most obese americans cant ... they cant get off their lazy asses ... i feel like i just fucking found the cure for cancer ... i feel soo good ... my poors are tingling with greatness ... and my face is all glistening ... i love it ... i wanna do it iagain ... running is sooo good ... i miss it ... i wanna move somplace warm where i can do it all the time whenever im upset or feel shitty .. and just go for a run beacuse after i feel soo wonderful cuz its good for me and it makes me feel great ... its awesome

Thought of you at... |9:36:00 PM|

[[wow wtf]]

.... i cant believe im even like living ...like seriously ...(i can tell right now this is gonna be a long one) .... i am totally digusted with myself ... like seriously i saw my self in the mirror and i feel like sick its gross and terrible ... like thinking shit bad shit ... i dont like to think i dont wann be home ... i come home the doors locked and like it was like no one was home i was like wow wat the fuck im locked out so then like 5 minutes later my dad comes hes like wow why dont you come in at a decent hour and i was like wow dad 9 oclock isnt even bad and hes like i have work and i was like well dad your usually up till 11 anyways im sorry for inconviencing you and hes liek yea whatever bitch but he mumbled that so yea ... feeling ugly and unwanted ... my favorite things ... i wanna go for a run sooo bad like really im thinking about going and doing that so maybe ill just run around the block a few times .... yea sounds good im gonna do it ... maybe ill feel better ... later

Thought of you at... |9:02:00 PM|

[[college....]]

yea i got accepted to wsc ..... so thats exciting ... money .... not cool so yea fighting not cool so ill have to deal with this until next year when i move out .. hooray ... alright later

Thought of you at... |11:41:00 AM|

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Friday, January 14, 2005

[[feeling pretty ugly ]]

im thinking .... maybe i need to change some things ... i think ... not about myself lol if thats what your thinking lol the title kinda throwsyou off ...i wann change my blog lol but yea i feeeling ugly but thats ok ill get over it ... im tired too but OMG IM SOOO GOING SHOPPING lol i need it lol really bad lol ... i need to feel pretty and aijas gonna do my hair which is awesome too : D lol i love josh too hes a cutie i love omg to play with him on the couch lol ... im totally not even being perverted abotu it either hes such an awesome guy i love him ... even if he worries wayyyy tooomuch about stuff that shoudlnt be worried about ... but im gonna see him today after i get prettified lol so yea i have to go tho cuz i all have school and such so later bitches : D

Thought of you at... |6:07:00 AM|

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Wednesday, January 12, 2005

[[might as well do it as it comes]]

so yea maybe i do wanan bitch and complain and might as wel do it here cuz its not like any one listens or even cares ... like really do you ever think that when you talk to somone they just sit there and think about what they want to say ... they dont actually care watso ever at all what you are saying ... so this really does make conversation pointless ... but this isnt even the reason why im bitching ... look i just ranted about bitching ... this is gonna be a long one ... so yea ... i dunno i just feel like( this is were everything is gonan go down hill so if you dont wanna feel hurt or somthing stop reading ... i soooo totally warned you ... im in a bad mood and just feel unwanted and im just gonna let it all out now) ... alright .. so on the topic of not feeling wanted ... the only reason why im wanted to go to that party is cuz everyone there wants to see me get drunk ... first of all im not even in the mood to even get fucked up i dont even wanna ... like i just wanna stay home and watch movies in my pjs ... really ... i havent really even thought about gettng fucked up since new years just cuz its not important to me ... i dont need it i have all i need ... at least pretty much ... ive realized that i dont need substances to get me over things .. i thought i had friends but maybe its just myself ... i keep myself up because no one else does and im not saying that som of you dont help and obviously the one thats there the most is josh ... because really hes great .... but yea ... josh ... why couldnt he jsut tell me what he did last night ... that disapoints methe most ... i thought we had an open relationship but i guess not ... i thoguht we were honest to one another ... but watever ... im not even mad just disappointed ... and then like i dunno i was thinking like ... if i ever erally got into some shit who would i trust to help me (besides josh) ...... hmm ... who wouldnt say anything to anyone about anything ... if i needed them to ... i really cant think of anyone that would do that ... beacuse most of the people i hang out with are extrememly fucking selfish .. they think of nothing but them selves ... yea ... cuz they are cool and i dunno i always try to help everyone really like ... i saved aija from her house ... yea ... but im not even gonna go into that cuz im not mad at her but like i dunno i couldnt see her going way out of her way to do something but watever i have to get ready for work .... and i just ranted cuz id feel bad to do this to josh cuz hes the only one that actually listens to me ... i really love him for it tho .... but yea cuz no one else would fucking take ONE DAMN MINUTE nope ... so im gonna go leave bye

Thought of you at... |3:40:00 PM|

[[im not mad just disappointed ....]]

yea so pretty much ... i have to work today again and tomorrow again lol and friday i have a half a day and im kinda getting forced into going out to this party in charlton with jannessa and shanise and aija ... excitement ... but wat to wear lol ... erally that was my question ... im thinking about stuff .. i dunno i feel shitty but its ok ill soo get over it .... i felt kinda bad yesterday ... but i dunno i guess im just gonna go cuz i jsut am making things worse ... i have a shit load of make up work and i keep thinking tomorrow is friday ... lol ridiuclous but yea later

Thought of you at... |3:35:00 PM|

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

[[... lol i hate not going to school]]

i feel better tho which is pretty great but like its crazy i went to bed at 9 and i slept till ilke 1 ... thats not healthy ...but i thinki needed it ... .i wish i dunno i wishi coulda fallen asleep with josh last night ... i really wanted to at his house but i jsut like didnt lol ... cuz im a sily face ... well actually cuz i probably wouldnt have woken up but yea .... i dunno im just bored and i have to get ready cuz i have to go to work stil ... lol but i defff feel much better so its pretty great .. im tired tho lol i dunno i wishi dint have to work and i went to school but o well andi have a half day on friday but yea im out later bitches

Thought of you at... |2:29:00 PM|

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Sunday, January 09, 2005

[[juss waitin for my pants to dry]]

yea so pretty much ... lst night ... i coulda swore i fell asleep with josh and then i woke up and he wasnt there ... just aija ... andnot even brian was there which left me completely baffled lol ... i dont no what happened ... i musta fell asleep but i felt so good injosh's arms i was soo comfy and warm i just wanted to lay there forever ... it was pretty fucking great .... hes soo great ... like he makes me feel secure which is pretty great and its like i could just be with him forever .. no matter what happens ... im soo happy ...in love : D i love him ... but i gotta get ready for work and then go and do a 6 page report sooo ... thats what im gonna do ... later

Thought of you at... |8:39:00 AM|

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Thursday, January 06, 2005

[[ive never cried soo hard]]

o mg i have had thee worst day ... i just have shitty luck ... all i wanted to do was snuggle up with josh all day ... but it didnt happen ... i went to the mall wiht my bro which was alright and i got the movie garden state BEST MOVIE EVER omg and it made cry sooo hard cuz it made me think of josh and how much i love him and how much i just wanna be with him forever :'( if you oculd only see my tears .... like seriously if you seen it ... i dunno if you got the same message but omg it was seriously the best movie i had ever seen in my hole entire life ... its like one of those movies that at the end ... you wish you were like the people in the movie ... but im not cool enough but anyways im totally balling my eyes out ... andi called josh in the middle cuz i wanted to talk to him cuz i dunno im stupid ... but ... im sitll crying ... but im gonna gocuz watever

Thought of you at... |9:07:00 PM|

[[i kinda hate being sick]]

yea being sick with a combo of pms is sooo not even a fun thing ... im all like distraught and stuff ... wow i havent used that word in a long ass time ... but seriously .. today sucks ... im just feeling like shit ... i love josh tho .. that was the highlight of my day ... i wanan feel good again .... i kinda just wanan cry lol but watever im out again later

Thought of you at... |3:13:00 PM|

[[kinda hating snow]]

snow sucks ... it may be good for like cancelling school and all but it deffinatly hinders my wanting to do stuff .... it sucks .... but yea ... im just i dunno i think im starting to come down with something ... but like its not hard core sick right now ..i might not even get al taht sick but it still kindasucks... im like tired and stuff right now ... and wicked bored ... and the boy totally fucked up my computer ... but the only totally good thing about today is 3 months lol .. soo cute aww .. umm so ... i love josh ... and im gonna go and try to fix my computer ... even tho its gay and shitty and needs to be thrown in the trash ... but yea ... later

Thought of you at... |1:45:00 PM|

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Saturday, January 01, 2005

[[covered in bruises]]

dude ... i dunno what happened last night lol ... but my whole body is sore my stomach feels bahhha nd my head is like death bomb lol .... but like ..... o mani lvoe josh ... he was the only one even talking ot me at all last nigth ..... he made me feeel soooooo goodo ... im sooo happy we are together ... i just realy love talkin to him : D omg im soo happy o man ... i love josh ...but yea ... i got drunk fellin the bath tub or something i dont even no
but my back is fucking death its all bruised i kept falling and i couldnt walk but no one wanted to talk to me cept josh ... but tas cuz he loves me

Thought of you at... |2:17:00 PM|

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Location: Webster, Massachusetts, United States

I'll be your friend in hell, until then I despise you. And I probably always will. I cant afford to make another mistake like this. Cause this is more than I can take. I don't mean to leave angry, this is by your own device. I'm sure this comes as no surprise.

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