it seems like everytime i have something negative to say i come here ... cuz like this is where i write all my negative stuff and thats why i used to write everyday ... now i dont cuz shit isnt as bad as it used to be ... taht might be it ... or i just dont have time to write anything any more

when i dont write every day it makes me really sad because like i think about it and im like shit im living days of my life that i wont even remember and im like wow maybe i should write in my journal like i used to everyday ... i just dont have that kind of time ... soeaking of time ... i was telling my mom about how i dont reallyhave time to do anything and shes like you jsut need to prioritize ( thats not exactly wat she said but thats pretty much it) (by the way ... my dad put in a new keyboard and it fucking sucks ... this was because my mom was bitching ... not like she ever fucking uses it but anyways) but i was like mom .. i have school ... i have college that i have to worry abotu i ahve to work ... i have to try to keep my self at least a lil bit socialized i mean im not going out and going to fucking parties i mean ... the worst i have been doing is hanging out with josh ... i was supposed to go out with steph and brian but i had to cancel cuz i couldnt go out late cuz of my grades ... my fucking grades ... my guidance conselor doesnt belive that i even fuckign got into college and my mom faxed her my acceptance letter ... but yea thats fucking ridiuclous ... as for this post and my writing technique its pretty much just fucking random statements of ranting so try to bare wiht me lol ... but pretty much today i filled out my health forms for college i need to have a physical ... i have to do drivers ed too ... thats a fucking waste of time ... i worked one day this week (today) i only worked 3 hours cuz the owner called and told us to close at fucking 12 ... yea im gonna have a wonderful pay check thisweek ... shit ... and right at this particular moment i feel like im gonna puke ... everything sucks .. i need to talk i need to hug i need cuddle ... god ... i need to just fucking go to the beach ... ineed to feel the warm breezes off the ocean ... i need to smell the salt ... i wanna feel it in my hair ... i need that i need to escape ... ineed a vacation and everytime i say that i might go out with friends but i mean ... planning that shit is like like pulling teeth ... god it sucks ... everything sucks ... i wish i could drive ... thats like the first time i have said that ... just to go and do watever .. i dont even car ... id just run away... like todayi was yelled at for doing my homework and waiting till the last moment ... and i was like wel if i waited till tomorrow it wouldbe the last moment ... but wateves im just dumb i asked mymom "well when would i have had time to do this" shes like well youcould have made time ... shes says" its always quiet around the house at 8:30" and personalltyi dont reallymind doing homeowrk at 8:30 on like a saturdaynight but not after going to school and then like drivers ed ... i dont think parents relize how much shit sucks ... i have to be experiencing like their amount of stress ... at least i mean shit ... i was fucking having a panic attack last week about my grades ... i got yelled at by like fucking 5 people about it ... wow ... i missed a few days and i fucking have two f's ... yea ridiculous but my grades arnt bad its the zeros that kill me ... and the fact that i have had like 6 days of class with my teachers doesnt really help either ... wow ... i need a fucking hug ... one of those hugs from somone happy... like a hug soo big and soo lovely that it feels as if they are trying to give you their happy.... and on countless occasions i have tried to give my happy to somone else but no one is around to do that ... all i hear is my dad yelling at my bro and my mom huffing and asking why we cant just get along ... i sit here in front of this computer and work on my english paper ... fucking a ... just trying to concentrate but once again if i didnt wait till the last minute ... despite the like whole other day i have to do it that i usuaslly would do it on if i didnt have anything to do ... yea pretty much for the passed two nights i have been home .. bored out of myf ucking mind ... like ... i was supposed to go out ... but i dunno ... today ... its snowing so even if i wanted to go out i wouldnt be able to .... gay ... i dunno .. everything sucks right now .. my stomach hurts ... and as far as any one is concerned .. who cares ... i dont even htink anyone reads this any more ... i feel like everyone is ignoring me as well ... ijust feel that way its not how it really is tho ... i just feel like taht cuz no one is around right now ... but im smart and can keep my feelings seperate from how things really are .. until times of total drama ... thats when the female in me kicks in ... lol mostly with guys ... and i just fucking make everything worse ... (remember people this whole entry is not gonna make sense its jsut random rantings and shit i need to get off my chest .. its like im having a conversation wiht the wall .. IM FUCKING CRAZY ) but yea pretty much ... my nana just called and needs me to write an envelope for her cuz it came back .. i hope i never end up like that ... like all depressed and stuff its sooo sad ... i dunno whyshe is like that ... i wish i could make her happy ... i wanna make people happy ... thats what makes me happy ... it makes me smile jsut htinkg about it ... plus i am listening to the garden state soundtrack ... o god im gonna start crying ... that movie is sooo wonderful ... i wish i could make people happy all the time ... and smile ... and just hug everyone and just make them feel good ... i htink thats what everyone needs is a big hug and a smile ... i mean ... have you ever looked at a child like 4 ish ... all innocent and you wakl by them and they smile and maybe wave ... and your like wow ... thats adorable ... its only adorable cuz they are little buti mean .. just smiling ... i mean .. i smile at people when they are angry and like i try to calm them wiht my smile ... but i have a crooked smile soo... i dunno howmuch it helps .. it should make them laugh and forget about their anger ... i wanna cry sooo bad right now ... : ( ... i just need to be som where ... with somone ... i wanna cry i need a hug ... i need somones re assuring warm arms around me .. just to make things ok again ... wtf am i talking about ... goddamn this sound track its too emotional for me lol i need to change it before ... ono not frou frou lol .. o man as soon as i hear this song at the end of garden state i start fucking balling my eyes out no matter wat ... somtimes i shut the movie off just before just so i dont cry like a lil bitch ... but its crazy how this music effects me soo much ... its like ... wow .. and the lyrics are really simple nothing complex ... and the music o god the music is like heaven its like ... wow ... the beginging of it hits me and its like wow and then i get tears in my eyes ... its crazy ... see look wha thappens when i have no one to talk to ... i talk to myblog for like 20 hours about absolyutely nothin g... i hope you have enjoyed this one sided conversation lol ... good bye