now im gonna share with you wat is going through my head right now unless i get interrupted with my thoughts ...

this afternoon as i was walking home i had a sudden thought that arose in my head ... it wasnt a good one it was more of a preminition of sorts ... but not totally ... i dont really no what it was ... more of a sinking feeling in my stomach about this summer... not that o man its gonna suck cuz its gonna be boring more of a tragety or death occuring something earth shattering and life changing ... i dunno realy what it was but it really hit me ... it hit my like being punch in the stomach the wind was knocked out of me ... i really dont no what made me come to this conclusion of tragety ... but it hit hard something that felt familiar ... like hollowness as if i lost a part of myself ... and as i sit here and think about how much i want somone to take me away from my thoughts ... the thoughts that have been continueing sense saturday night ... thoughts that are familiar and hollow ... it hurts for me to think about them ... and why was i even thinking them ... no its not some ex bf or shit like that its deeper than that ... i hate that has consumed me for as long as i can remember and it started to lash out again ... but why what brought this upon ... maybe the excess of drugs or excess of not caring and it was a way for my body to send chills of awakening into me ... for that i really dont no ... but i really hope that i never have to think that again ... its such a cold and hollow feeling ... i will never be good enough i always knew i would never be able to be an awesome person to myself but now i fear that i cant be an awesome person to anyone else and maybe tahts nothing to some of you ... but thats all i got ... thats what im good at i am a people person and i cant be fucking off and sayingi dont care because its gonna fuck with my people person abilities that i pride my self on ... my ability to get along with everyone and now that ive been fucking around and stepping on who ever the fuck i want and only caring about my self and my problems i think that i have hurt more than i should have ... for what me to be happy ... its only a hollow happiness and it makes me sick ...


yea thats what i was thinking about when i was walking home and im gonna try to fix this shit over the summer this is wat im gonna do

* study for sats
* get permit
* apply to some jobs
* get a job
* work out for cross country
* look kick ass for next school year
* become a better person and more considerate of others and their feelings

i think thats it ... ill add more to wat i see fit and ill start writing down my times for running and my weight and everything so i can keep track im gonna really redo my self this summer an dim gonn be better .. .no mater what...