yea ok ... so the bf thing ... i havent really discussed this topic the last thing i even said about guys really was that they suck ... and im pretty sure my emotions go in a circular rollercoster ... so its like first im like fuck you fuck everything ... its my body ill do what i want bs ... then its like ... o shit im dumb guys suck blah ... and then im back to o i wish i had a guy and then im like fuck that ... ya i was thinking about this circle when i was walking home from walking aija half way ... but like its weird ... is it just hormones ... bah ... hormones make emotions so difficult to understand and to deal with ... its like making everything 100 x better or worse ... its like death when you get hurt and like exstacy when you happy there is no medium ... and now im just pretty much talking about my guy roller coaster thats not like my just straight up emotions ... but whatever back onto my topic ... i just wanted to explain my reasonings behind my constant contridictions ...

ok so yea ... i really kinda wanna have a guy ... but not totally and aija told me whatever just have a fling ... but when you know its a fling its soo pointless and hollow its like just using somone and then getting hurt in the end ... i mean this is my last year so if i end up in a really good relationship most likely we willjust break up anyways ... but its those damn emotions that get the most of me ... i mean i really do wear my heart on my sleeve ... maybe ill grow out of it ... hopefully ... but im so wishy washy ... its really bad .. but i just miss being told that im loved and appreciated like physically and mentally ... i mean is that corny and "emo" or what ... but yea im just kinda sad about that but another part of me is excited and happy about this school year ... and there is other parts that are like THIS IS YOUR LAST YEAR and im nervous ... its weird and bad ... i dont know what to do .... so many emotions ... i just wanna cry... and sometimes i wish i just would cry ... its like getting sick like once you do it you usually feel better but ... if you cant you have to suffer ...

so thats my dilema im out later