so yea pretty much ... like .. it hasnt hit full on yet but ive come to realize that the past like week has totally sucked ... not becuase of circumstance but its because of myself ... i ve been finding my self taking vics everynight before i go to bed to calm down to help me not cry and shit ... i didnt yesterday but watever ... like i feel sooo shitty ... like i feel shitty about myself .. like thers nothing watso ever specail about me .. and i feel like josh doesnt even like i dunno .. liek i dunno i just feel like ... not loved i guess ... and this happens in the winter ... i dont feel special i dont feel loved .. i feel lonely no matter wat ... even if i have a bnillion firends and loved ones to help me and cheer me on i always feel fucking alone ... it feels like eveyrone goes on there merry business despite the fact that they are just a phone call away just to keep myself from crying ... i mean things arent as bad as they have been in the past .. but like i dont want it to get that way ... i dont want josh to realize all these things that i have come to realize myself ... imnot special ... there isnt anything great about me at all ... like wow ... i dont have skills ... ya no ... and im not even tyring to be all fucking napoleon dynamite funnie and shit its just like ... really im not special one bit ... im totally fucking average ... and i hate that .. i hate fucking knowing for the rest of my life that illjsut be another dumbass normal perosn in the crowd ... and i swear to god you always see these dumb ass people in those crazy ass disaster movies .. or even in documentaries and shit on discovery and shit ... its like ... those people are fucking dumb .. like nothign special they are always the people running from stuff ... id unno what that has to do with it but i seriously just hate knowing that i could jsut be replaced by somone else and that no one would even care ... like if i died i no people would be sad and im not saying they wouldnt but they would get over it pretty quickly ... i mean ... im not fucking great ... i mean wat was the last great thing you have ever seen me do ... nothing .. .im just shitty fuckng ugly fucking good for nothing michelle ... im fucking lazy ... fucking stupid ... just fucking average ... and i fucking hate that