sometimes i think that maybe im the one whose rong all the time ... like why do i get soo upset at people by the way they act everyone pisses me off pretty much equally ... maybe ... im the one whose pissing people off i know i piss john off and its only gonna be a matter of time before he relizes how much of a stupid bitch i am ... but like i do the things i do because i care ... i guess but i mena i hate it i hate being nervous all the time and making him upset cuz i hate when hes upset ... i love him soo much and i am just scared that one day hes gonna wake up from the coma that lust has put him in ... and somones gonna knock on the door and say yea dude ive been telling you about her bullshit all the time you just were too blind to see it ...

maybe he is blind maybe he doesnt love me he just thinks he does ... cuz how could somone so incredible love me sooo much ... even when i give him shit all the time for so many things ... im a failure ... im such a bad girlfriend ... maybe i just need expensive drugs to make me even more numb numb enough to make me not know im numb just swallow down a bottle of pills to make the feeling go away ... to make all of lifes emotions go away ... to give up all things that seperate humans from everything else ... maybe thats what i need i need to through awway my inhibitions in the form of a bottle because everytimme i do ... i freak out twice as bad ... aija said maybe i have an anxiety disorder ... and i probably do ... i dont doubt it and i totally think thats what it is ... i walk fast i cant wait ... i talk fast i have no patience i dont have time to cry ... as soon as i feel frustrated i wanan cry but instead i get angry at myself for being soo weak ... why would you cry its soo unnessecary ... there is no reason for such a show of vunerability ...

i feel like i have been posssed ... seriously and totally ... not myself at all ... i dont see things clearly i feel like im not even in my body half the time ... i feel dopey when i dont do anything ... over stressed over worked and over tired thats what they will say ... tell me to take oa break from the normal hum drum bullshit of life ... but i cant i cant stop i cant breath i feel like im choking on all the deadlines of my life ... i cant concentrate and i have no pateince ... i yell at john like he was a child somone just slap me ... i need to wake up from this nightmare ... i need help ... i cant control this anymore ... i just dont know whats going on ... im just gonna get up and walk out of class ... and go and just keep walking until i hit traffic and get struck by a car ...

how could anyone call this sane ... i dunno what is rong am i doing this to myself or wat ... i cant think i cant sleep or maybe its because i think too much that i cant think my brain is soo full of thoughts that it is clouded ... clouded soo much i feel like im in a fog ... walking around blinded and bumping walls ... i dont know ... maybe its too late

its dark again but its day time exactly 10:09 in the morning and it looks like dusk out to me ... what is wrong with me ... i seroulsy dont know ... im scared ... im frightened i cant think i put on a facade ... that everything is ok .... until i get into the car with aija and tell her everything ... it does nothing but make me rethink my sanity ... she tells me i need help and i keep driving ... driviing home away from the shit ... i get home and drive away i keep running from these things i fear ..; im scared that they will tell me im delusional that there is nothing wrong ... maybe im just making it all up ...

once again i feel likel maybe that car accident i got in with josh put me in a coma ... ever since then ihavent been the same ... maybe i am ... and this haziness is me tryinig to wake myself up this whole thing has been a crazy dream ... what if that happened and i just dreamed that i got ouf of the car with a sore back ... and continued my life ... i freak out every time i get in a car ... i really dont know but how possible could that be that my whole life i s a drream ... i sthis normal for people to belive that their life is nothing but i figment of their own imagination and as soon as they relize this thhey wake up and they die and this life ... havent people written storioes about that ... some thriller with an incredible twist that somone with such a warped mind could think up ...