i was digging through my desk for a pen ... because for once i was kinda attempting my homeowrk ... everysingle one of my pens had been pulled apart ... and most people would be like why is this michelle ... and it makes me kinda wish that i had somthing ..... and somone to share it with ... maybe a nice relationship with some perks ... a perky relationship ... and i swear to go if somone offered me a bottle i would go to the bank take out however much they were offering me becuase i just wanna calm down ...

i cant go three seconds ... my heart starts racing and my hands start shaking ... i cant think or breath im just choking on unknown angry for absolutely no reason ... i shouldnt be mad at all ... i just freak out ... and people ask why ... i dunno is there something im missing ... i dont know but my stomach is still in knots ... its weird as soon as i come home its like death i turn into total bitch if i hadnt all ready ... and in this case i had

i flipped out on john for wanting a cigarette so bad ... everyone was gaining up on me and i got sooo pissed off ... they had all been smoking pot and aija already started jus tbeing dumb its not even her fault its me why do i get soo pissed off at people ... its really not them its me... i have a ten second temper ... flying off the handle before i even get to grab it ... i have no control over it ... i just start yelling before i get a chance to understand it ..

i really should be doing homeowrk but mystomach is upset from just being upset ... i just wanan cry but like i sad before it makes me feel soo vunerable ... and just weak ... i am weak ...

my dad just knocked on my door ... im shaking again ... HOW DARE HE INTTERUPT ME TO BRING ME LAUNDRY ... i mean doesnt that seem ridiculous because i know it does but i waslike wow i dont know ... i might try to talk myself out of getting help because its all just in my head ? is it in my head am i just imagining things ... i dunno im coming out of some weird dream ... i dont know i just wanna cuddle up and forget about everything just fucking run away to someplace where i can forget about time and forget about everything ... somplace perfect ... or anything close to it will do fine ... i just wanna be happy ... i dont even care ... i wanan love and live like i did before ... maybe there never was a before and i was always like this ... i really dont know ... i just need a hug ... i cant stop thinking tho

my hands keep typing keep moving i keep thinking like breathing the only time i stop is if i stop breathing ... thats the only way to stop these thought ... stop breathing ... ending it all might be the best solution to this ridiculous thing ...